What do you do when you screw up? Un-doing mistakes and righting wrongs are some of the toughest work we do as humans. But it's also some of the most valuable.

Earlier this week, I had an argument with someone over the story about Senator Al Franken, about the photos and his backstage behavior during a USO tour when he was a comedian. I admit it was tough; I heard the dismissals, criticisms of his accuser's character/occupation through my own experiences with assault, humiliation and shame. But I also heard them as the mother of a teenage daughter who has been on the receiving end of unwanted male attention.

In her case, a casual friend took and posted photos of her without her permission, and refused when she said stop. Instead he attempted to shame her, tell her she needed to lighten up/be more friendly/smile more/it’s just for fun.

It’s better of course if we don't screw up. Beyond that, what happens next when we go too far and are told we screwed up is what matters most. This is the opportunity we have: own it, repair the relationship if possible and grow, or become the offended party, criticize their character, call the person names and try to convince others the person’s concerns can be dismissed because xyz.

My daughter and I talked about that; how some people use shame to try to get you to collapse your boundaries and do what they want. We talked about how people sometimes dissemble when they aren’t sure if they’re safe just saying no. It was a great conversation and I’m thankful for that. I suspect a lot of parents are having similar great conversations with their daughters and sons these days. That gives me hope.

So being a woman and the mother of a teenage girl shape what I think about Franken and the accusations against him. I’ve been angry and upset, but I’ve also been reassured by Franken’s responses. He responded by owning his behavior, like someone who is actually listening and believes the other person’s experience matters. That’s consistent with what I know about his good character, and is helping restore my trust in him as a senator responsible for representing us all.

Bottom line: when you screw up, own it. Listen, and let the other person know you’re listening. Make amends. It restores the integrity of the person you've hurt; that makes their world a little better.

It makes your world better, too. We are all “wounded healers”. This is how we grow.

At a national level, our trust in government is at an all time low. We need more senators and representatives who own their mistakes. This is also how we can tell those who actually want to serve us through their work in government vs. those who want to take advantage of us for their own purposes.

Dear Alexis,

I won’t stop being angry.

I know you through your family; I've enjoyed seeing your exuberant smile and boundless energy as you walk onto the stage of adult womanhood. Welcome. I read your post as I watch my own daughter and son navigating their teen years, and I think about what is ahead for them. All the joy, and all the pain.

I read your exhortation to stay angry, beyond the passing of news about the Stanford rape case and its injustice. And I have to tell you a secret.

I won’t stop being angry, ever.

Even as I pray, yoga, run, and cultivate compassion, I won’t. You see, I was sexually assaulted too, when I was a young woman. Another time I was assaulted on a running trail, and a man tried to pull me into his car. Like you and so many other women, I had to recount my traumatizing experiences to strangers and have my motives and actions picked apart by people who were supposed to be on my side, protect and advocate for me. I didn’t even get to the part where my attackers stood before a judge.

My sisters are angry too; both biological and non-biological sisters have been through this, along with the men and women who love them.

My mother was angry too. I don't know about her experiences with men besides my father, because her generation wasn't allowed to speak up at your age. But I know she was angry, and more than that she found her voice by the time I came. She took me to NOW and ERA rallies when I was a girl, to marches, meetings, consciousness-raising sessions, and most importantly she brought me with her while she got petitions signed, while she stuffed bags with political literature and hung them on doorknobs, translating her anger and frustration to real change one doorknob at a time.

Victoria Claflin Woodhull ran for president in 1872, long before women had the right to vote

She did something about it. And she taught me to do something about it. Now you are teaching, too.
My mother's generation dared to speak out, and mine has picked up the torch and carried on that work. But there is obviously much more to do.

So you see: you are joining a long, long history of angry women.

I’ve lived with the reality of sexual assault and the fear of assault for decades. It’s part of the background of life, like living in a war zone where you never really feel safe, not ever. You never know when the bomb is going to explode, safety is an illusion, but you have to keep going.

Unfortunately, I’m not alone in feeling that way. One in five of our sisters lives with that feeling too; wherever I am, I'm hanging out with survivors, with women who have not received justice. I know some of their stories; others can’t even tell theirs.

You have my love and respect for speaking out, for taking your case to the university. For every women who couldn’t come forward, you spoke for her, speak for her. It makes a difference.

There are so many of us, so many men and women who truly care about this issue because they and their partners and children have been through this pain. We move through the horror and don’t let it destroy the joy, the love, all the good things and good relationships in our lives.

Keep going. You aren’t carrying this alone.

There are more of us than you think. Way more. Every time you are in the grocery store, count five people. One of them (maybe more) is angry, maybe has been for decades. We won’t stop. We can’t. Our daughters and sons are counting on us. You are amazing and fierce. But most important, you are not alone. Don't ever think that. Knowing that you are not alone is *how* you stay angry without letting it destroy you. The way we treat women has to change. It is changing.

Thank you, and thanks to your sisters and brothers who are out there adding your beautiful, unique voice.

How owning your mistakes makes the world better

An open letter to the next generation of angry young women